I really feel sorry for Michael Jackson. He really had a very lonely life in a lot of ways. I know there are those that would say "screw him; he was a child molester." And yes maybe he was. But if you look at his childhood and his upbringing; would you expect anything but a screwed up adult with serious emotional damage and issues? If you think about it his childhood and adolescence was a perfect storm of dysfunction. He had an extremely strict and abusive father. His Jehovah Witness upbringing gave him so really fucked up views on life; relationships; and sex. And to top it all off (as just those two alone would have created a fucked up adult) he was thrust into super stardom from the age of nine.

I saw this documentary on him once that did a sort of psychoanalysis of him. They told this one story about how his brothers set him up with this girl so he could lose his virginity when he was a teenager. But he was afraid to even kiss her as he really and truly thought that sexual contact before marriage would land him in eternal damnation. There were stories in the documentary of him often fearfully praying and crying even over his impure urges. Given all the stresses in his life MJ reacted by seeking out the time in his life when things were simpler and life was happier: his childhood. Children and childhood comforted him. So he surrounding himself with children and childhood things. He reverted as much as he could into that child realm. So it is no wonder that children may have eventually become a sexual arousal point for him. I'm not justifying it or saying it is right; but one could see how feelings of safety and emotional pleasure while being around children could progress into physical pleasure. He may be innocent of actual molestation; but I would bet that the very least his interactions were probably inappropriate to say the least.

So that is why I say I feel sorry for him. He was a man with seemingly everything; but he was so emotionally damaged he could never properly enjoy it. He became the eccentric weirdo and eventually the hounded and hated (former) idol. He had few people if any every really understand him. (His best friend was a mouse for God's sake!) He could never find solace in a normal human adult relationship; and the people he did feel comfortable with, children, were in so many ways tabu and out of bounds. In short he was a lonely man in a lot of pain I think; and I can't help be feel sorry for him, and glad that he can now find peace.

So when I last posted I was about to head to my Church's Synod. The weekend was pretty good. I was VERY disappointed by the lack of agency reps that were there this year. Usually we have a bunch of agency reps at the Conference sharing what they do and talking with people. I was looking forward to this so I could give out my resume to the literally 20 or so nonprofits that would be there. But this year they changed it all around and pretty much no one actually sent human beings. The ED for National Lutheran Services was a key speaker; and I tried to talk to her, but to no avail. She had to leave right after her speech; so as she was finishing I scooted over to the area she would be in. I had to lose sight of her for about five seconds to get to her and in that five second she totally disappeared. I looked in the parking lot; in the hall; and even in the bathroom. I think she is a witch and she just apparated away. Our synod voted to recommend accepting the new social statement. Which while not huge was good. The main thing is that in teaching about love/marriage/family it talked the emphasis away from Genesis man and woman to focus on finding a loving and mutually respective partnership/union. And, of course, it reiterates that we as a church welcome everyone to worship with us. We, unfortunately, did not pass any of the recommendations. We had three: one to allow churches to recognize (not bless exactly) same sex unions; one that basically said we respect each other and our differing opinions; and one that said we will allow ordained officials and other church rostered leaders to be involved in committed same sex relationships. We used a committee of the whole session (a session that temporarily suspends formal rules to allow for free flow of discussion) for a bit and had some straw polls. And there was actually majority in favor of passing rec number one. But unfortunately we have this stupid continuing resolution that limits resolution submittal to before 5pm the first day. So the only resolution we had was one that said let's accept them all which was voted down. By the time the straw poll came around it was just too late to write another resolution; motion to suspend the rules; and get it in. But next time maybe we can have that just has the first recommendation on it. So in the end there were some small steps made; but nothing really changed; at least not yet. The National Church Conference is in August, MAYBE (big maybe) they'll vote more liberally. Ug some of the people there were so freak'n bigoted in their anti-homosexual beliefs. We actually had one guy get up and give a speech about how the gays are child molesters and deviants and the like. Thankfully those extremists are few and far between if vocal. The one good thing is that most of our anti-homosexual members are Ok with granting equal civil rights; they just have issues with reconciling their religious beliefs with homosexual practices. So at least they aren't discriminating all the time :) There was this one ass that got up and gave this big speech about how he could trace his ancestry back to the 1600's in Germany and that they have been Lutherans since Luther himself, so he should know.... blab.. blab..blab... and that he would leave the church if we ever allowed homosexuals to be ordained. I say good riddance. There were also some really emotional testimonials from homosexual/bisexual members and/or members with homosexual friends and relatives. One young woman, who is in a program we have where young people with an interest in becoming ordained can take on sort of internships with churches so they can discern if God is calling them into the ministry, and who also happens to be a lesbian, gave a really moving speech. I have mad respect for her. I can’t imagine going to seminary and becoming ordained knowing that they church you love and work for does not support your lifestyle. It's choosing between your calling and having ability to share love with another person. It has got to be very hard on her.

Other than that same old same old. My garden is beset with weeds. I just couldn't keep up with them. But that hasn't stopped the veggies from also exploding. My zucchini and acorn squash plants have taken over most of the garden pretty much cutting off any chance my eggplants had; but that is OK. My dill and carrots are doing well; and so are the tomatoes. I have TOO MUCH lettuce; but it is nice to have fresh greens. I just wish it would stop raining. I have a bunch of zucchinis growing; but some are starting to rot because it is CONSTANTLY raining! Geeze!

I got another part time job tutoring a second grader on subtraction for $30/hr two hours a week. It doesn't start til the 29th; and I don't envision it taking more than 8 or 10 sessions; but we'll see. It will at least be some pocket money.

Still okaying for a full time job.... job searching SUCKS. I am going to focus in DC again. I want to stay here; but there just aren't a lot of opportunities; so I will look in the DC area for a change of pace. I just want a freak'n job!

Strategic planning is actually going amazingly well. I got about 20 people at the first meeting; and most (all except three) stayed for the whole meeting. It was a total 180 from what I expected. I just hope the momentum continues. Our second one is in two weeks. The pre-work for this one was more involved so that is a mark against attendance; but this session also gives an opportunity to express strengths and weaknesses and I know the complainers will want to be there for that one! Hopefully I will be presently surprised again.

Well that is all for now..... 

I had one of the most amazing foods tonight; pita fries. No not the pita chips that are also delicious; pita fries. They look like steak fries; are made of pitas; and have this soft golden delicious crunch like fresh buttered and toasted bread. They were f'n AMAZING. I shared them with everyone at the table and everyone's response was the same: bite into the pita fry; open eyes wide in surprise of how delicious it is; and say "Oh my God those ARE amazing."

I wish I could make them at home....

My life in between my last post and this one....

ESL: My teaching was supposed to stop at the end of May, but we have decided to continue the adult classes through the summer. To elaborate; the program is actually a home work help program for school age children which is run primarily for the purpose of giving VA Tech students a way to earn service learning credits. We also offer adult classes while this is going on so that the parents of the children can learn English as well. The adult classes are taught by me and another guy. We are (obviously) not VA Tech students. So in the summer there are not VA Tech students so no homework help. Originally we were going to stop the adult classes for the summer too; but we have the funding so we are continuing. I was going to do Tuesday and Thursday classes, but we I have temporarily lost two students (one is very sick and one is visiting family in Africa) for the summer and we decided that I would just do Tuesdays.

We had a huge party to celebrate the end of the year. It was awesome. We had African food and Somali Dancing. It was very crowded and NOISY having all of the children and adults in the community room. There were about 150-200 people in a room that really should only hold 125ish. Most of the people were under the age of 12 which made it even more interesting. We had some junk food and soda set up before the African Food and I have never seen that much food devoured so quickly as when we released the children to eat. They were like a hoard of locusts. I brought a HUGE bowl of popcorn that I had popped, and it was gone in under five minutes. It was crazy, but a lot of fun.

So we resumed the adult classes the next week. There was a lot of confusion as to what was happening (and there still is three weeks later). We get kids showing up wondering where the other teachers are. And not all the adults that usually show up have been showing up because they are confused as to whether or not there is class. And then there are some that are just too busy now that they Children aren't being babysat during class time. But I have two of my regulars and a few new ones. One of my new ones is a young woman that is attending medical assisting school and I have been helping her with her work. She is super smart and wants to one day be a RN. She plan on working her way up with each degree so she can support herself and pay her own way through school. Another is a high school student that is really smart and enjoys being challenged by the stuff I have. And this past week I just got another new student from the beginners group. She has freakishly accurate pronunciation and reading and writing if you tell her what to write. But she has real challenges comprehending or coming up with what to write on her own. But her grammar and spelling are great and way above a lot of the students. She had A LOT of trepidation about leaving the beginning group; and unfortunately I wasn’t prepared for her; so I only had some more challenging readings. But I think she will do well once we get working more on her level.

On of my regulars wants to focus on the citizenship test. They recently changed the tests now, though to requiring that you pass English comprehension and writing exams. They grade on pauses and overall length of time it takes you. Which will be the death of my student. He is really smart and can remember info and such; but his pronunciation lacks and his timing leaves a lot to be desired. He just isn't sure of himself and he takes forever to read things and longer to really comprehend them. Which is fine for me; but not for the INS. So we will be really hunkering down on reading quickly and accurately and also writing quickly. He is the same when it comes to writing. I felt so bad because I had to really level with him on those points and I know he was getting frustrated and down on himself when we were working on stuff. I encouraged and praised him every step of the way; but essentially it will always be a confidence thing. He is afraid to be wrong. But it's like I told him, if he doesn’t make the mistakes I can't correct them, and he can't learn from them. I'm hoping it will go OK for him.

My work on the Board goes fine. We are facing some tough decisions of some things. Essentially it comes down to definitions. We are at the point where we need to lay down specifics and definitions for our service population; but defining and labeling is hard for those on the Board that have mentally handicapped children and grandchildren. Understandably they hate labels and they also are afraid that they may have to essentially define their loved ones out of our programs. But hopefully we can figure it all out without stepping on too many toes.

My first Strategic Planning meeting with my church is Sunday. I am not expecting much. I doubt many people will show up beyond the ones that are required to. It makes me so mad when people complain, but then don't want to give any time into fixing the problem. And it didn’t help that when I was talking about the meeting last Sunday in the announcements section of worship and I mentioned that the meeting Sunday would be 1.5 to 2 hours in length that the pastor said "oh really!?!" This is an involved PROCESS that is going to take longer then fifteen minutes a meeting. I just hope it goes OK.

The garden is going well. I have more lettuce than I can handle. And my zucchinis are exploding from all the rain. My tomatoes remain meager, but there are actually some tomatoes on them now, and they have lots of flowers. Carrots and dill are growing along fine too. My poor eggplants though are getting eaten alive by bugs. It's strange; right next to them is the lettuce; a varitable field of delicious leafiness; but they remain untouched for the most part. hmmmm

Next weekend I will again be representing my church at our VA Synod yearly conference. It's like congress for our state's Evangelical Lutheran Church in America churches. We are dealing with the question of homosexual pastors and blessing same sex unions AGAIN this year. I just want to get up at the beginning and table the issue until next year, as that is all we will be freak'n doing ANYWAY. My brother is going too. He is the parliamentarian for this year. He said his church actually had a meeting to decide how his Church's reps would vote. My church doesn't do that. Though if half of them know how I was voting they would shot a brick I think. Sadly, I think we could probably make some sort of headway on the question of homosexuals in committed relationships as pastors; but in order to approve that measure we HAVE to approve the measure on blessing same sex unions. Our pastors HAVE to be married if they are living with someone/having sex and if someone is gay that means we have to provide them with a "marriage" of sorts if they want to be in their committed relationship AND be ordained. They could be ordained and be abstinent (as all unmarried pastors are supposed to be). Then we really have no problem with homosexuals as pastors. But if they want to live their lives and be happy with a partner and all; no ordination. The issue of blessing same sex unions is way more controversial than ordination of "practicing" homosexuals. With the later you can argue that if a person is called and a church feels called to accept them; then who are we to argue. But with the former the argument of individual church rights loses ground. Anyway, we're just going to be running in circles all weekend on the issue. People somehow think that if the VA Synod endorses either one of them that it means that individual churches will be forced to "marry gays" and "accept homosexual pastors. Really it's the height of irrationality.  I just can't wait til the day when it's all behind us and we do the right thing and bless same sex unions and ordain homosexual clergy that are in committed relationships.

Yeah, so that is pretty much my life right now.  

Life goes on.....

I was really hopeful about getting a fed gov job at the veteran’s affairs admin that was hiring a bunch of people, but I got an e-mail that basically said, "we had too many applicants and couldn't read yours. We give pref to vets and we had more than enough of them." So that sucks. It would have been nice too as it would have been a guaranteed at least 38k because of my good academic standing past. I am just exhausted when it comes to job searching. I HATE getting all psyched about some job and then not getting it, or getting REALLY close and then not getting it. Anyway....

One of my ESL students is going back to Africa for several months. I hadn't realized that his wife and children are still there and he hasn't seen them in two and a half years. Apparently his wife has some legal issues when it comes to having her immigration OKed. I was talking to the beginner level teacher and he said he had a lawyer friend working on it, but it really didn’t look good. I wonder what he can do if there is no hope. I mean that has to be a horrible situation. I wonder if he even has an option of going back. I mean do you stay and maybe bring your children over? Do you stay and let them stay and then just send them money? Do you go back despite the possible risks? I don't know his story, but he is from Liberia, a place of not so great political stability, and it could be that he just can't go back. It's an impossible situation. I hope she can get the issues figured out. He is such a nice man, and he is so smart and clever. He deserves a good second chance with his family.

My garden is meandering along. I am excellent at growing lettuce. Time will tell when it comes to the squash, carrots, eggplants, and other things. I still need to plant my herb pots and till and seed my flower garden. I'm not too late yet, but I can't wait too much longer. I was going to get most of it done Saturday, but I woke up with some really sore muscles (for some unknown reason) and I took one of my mom's muscle relaxers, and let me tell you I was out for teh count. I was SO EXHAUSTED. I couldn't even muster enough energy to cross the room. So that pretty much shot the productivity of my weekend.

Last Thursday I had an MRI for some shoulder pain. Usually I'm not claustrophobic but the position in I was in was very coffin-like and I DO have a fear of being buried alive, so I was freaking out a bit. But then I realized that I could twist my head to look above me to the opening on the end of the machine and feel MUCH better. So all was good.

Nothing much else going on. I am looking forward to summer movies. I went to see Wolverine Origins and was PISSED that Gambit didn't have a Cajun accent. I mean what's the fucking point then? Next is Star Trek, I may go see the Thursday showings. I am also pissed thought that movie prices at the theater i usually go to went up. I'm going to have to start going to the other one.

It has been a busy week and a half or so and this week will be even more busy. And I was so looking forward to having time to work on Phil's puzzle game thing. Usually I have loads of free time with no job and all; but nearly every moment of the past week has been crazy and exhausting. This Saturday is our town's Dogwood Festival, and I am running the booth for my church; so this week will be absolutely crazy too. I can't wait til next Monday when I can hopefully sleep in/ get more than four or five hours of sleep.

In new news I got a new laptop. I was trying to hold off until I got a job; but my old one kept crashing, and the only thing that would start it properly was about five minutes of praying and crossing my fingers. So Last Tuesday I got a new one. It's and HP and I love it. It is a special model made only for Best Buy based off of BB customer feedback. It has good battery life, it's 4.6lbs (I think- under five definitely)and thin too. Which is just what I wanted. I hated lugging my old laptop around. It was too heavy and had too big of a screen. It was a nice computer; but really I like the smaller one much better. And it is pretty top of the line on all that important computing shit too. I was looking at one with a tablet function, but that didn't run off of Pentium, so I decided on this one that does. And it had a built in web-cam. That is a first for me. Not that I will use it though :) But I love my new computer. The HD screen is so pretty and bright. And it had that finger print scanner security function which I think it hilariously wonderful! And it is so quiet. My old lap top had reached the point that it was pumping out the decibels while operating. This one is super quiet. And I am even getting on OK with Vista. I had some initial problems while setting up my router connection. Apparently when you try to attach a Vista computer to a network that already has two XP computers on it, bad things happen. But it is all fixed now. But I am really liking Vista's side bar function with its fun apps. So new computer fun is at least something fun going on with all the slaving away at volunteer activities.

I really enjoy Holy Week. Lent is my favorite liturgical season and Holy week is it's grand culmination. It is on Mandy Thursday and Good Friday that we see hear Jesus' most important sermons. We learn to have a servant heart in the washing of his disciples' feet. We hear that the new commandment God wants us to follow is to love one another, and that it is by this one action that others will know we are his disciples. It is on the Good Friday cross that we are shown what it is to truly be Christ-like. To forgive in the face of hatred when he cries "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." To be concerned with others even when he is under impossible pain. He has not eaten since the passover meal; he has been up all night; he was beaten and flogged; made to carry his own cross, and then nailed to it. Yet he still thinks of others asking for their forgiveness and making sure his mother is cared for. These two days have many lessons for Christians and I get more out of them each year.

I'm putting on my SELDOM used feminist hat here....

I'm really getting sick of the media's portrayal of Michelle Obama, mainly the CONSTANT focus on her looks and her fashion. Now I don't mind them mentioning who she is wearing or saying something briefly about her fashion sense, but it seems like this is ALL THEY EVER TALK ABOUT; her clothing, her hair, her bare arms...... The excess of coverage got me thinking. Michelle Obama is a string woman in many sense of the word, and I think this threatens people. For the past eight years we have had a relatively uninvolved (politically speaking) First Lady. Laura Bush played the traditional hostess, background, soft issue role that we are used to having first ladies take. Literacy IS important, but hardly a political stretch. I think everyone can agree people should learn how to read. And though Michelle Obama is still setting her agenda it is sure to be one that takes some political stance/risk. So the media doesn't know what to do with this string woman and they solve this problem by framing her in the most trivial and feminine of lights, a fashion icon. They lesson her radical power by making a merely a sum of the labels she wears and the hair style and bare arms she sports. They attacked Hilary and turned her into a power bitch to belittle her, so I suppose it is nice that they are at least giving her a "positive" label. But still they are writing her off, and I am getting sick of it.

Just some thoughts as Lent draws to a close......

It was once said that every Sunday was Easter Sunday, but I think perhaps every Sunday is really Palm Sunday. Palm Sunday is the day that Jesus triumphantly rode into Jerusalem with the throngs hailing him as the King of the Jews, their savior. But then less than a week later he was crucified as a villain. On Sunday they sung his praises; but as the week progressed they forgot their proclamations and cursed his name. And every week we Christians do the same to some extent. On Sunday we celebrate the risen Lord and preach his love and forgiveness; but hours later we are back to being human, sinning, and tarnishing the memory of our Lord. So to me every Sunday is Palm Sunday.

So I just did something REALLY stupid. My toilet was filthy and I was getting sick of looking at it so I decided to clean it before I went to bed. I had some really old "The Works" which I sprayed in there. But it was old and didn't seem to he working very well. So i added some bleach. I didn't think much of it. I know you aren't supposed to mix chemicals, but I have probably added beach to other toilet bowl cleaners like a thousand times without incident. But this time there was something in "the works" that counteracted the bleach and it ended up producing a poisonous cloud in my bathroom. It didn't really smell; so I didn't notice the effects until several minutes later when i was coughing horrible and my lungs were burning. My bathroom gets really shitty air access. I flushed the toilet and ran into the other room; but I knew i needed to air it out. I was having problems breathing so I woke my parents up (at least having to live home again is good for something) and we (mostly my mom) set up some fans and opened doors and windows. I wasn't 100% but I wasn't bad enough that I thought I needed the ER so I waited a while to see if I was getting better or worse. After a half hour of sitting on the fence about seeing the doctor and a bit of internet searching; I called poison control. The lady was fabulous. She said I had created chlorine gas (and mercifully she wasn't all lecturey) and that as I didn't sound too horrible I probably didn't need the ER. She advised me to sit in the bathroom (not the gassed one) and create a hot steam bath with the shower and just breath in the steam for a half hour or so. And she offered to call back in an hour and check on me. I did as she advised and it helped a lot. I still am a bit short of breath and have some pain; but breathing is much easier and my lungs are more relaxed. So all in all I should be fine; embarrassed from being so incredibly stupid (even when I know better, but fine.

Also ironically my FB tarot card app's card for today is death..... :)